November 17, 2006

A Great Idea For Children

I got another email from my former personal coach Laura Lavigne. In it, she talked about something that she did with her kids that worked out marvelously well.

I thought it was a GREAT idea and since I have never heard of anyone doing that … I thought I would share it with yoiu.

Here is her email:

No Way!

Last summer, my children went on a fabulous vacation with their Dad. They called me often, telling me of all the great things they had done that day, describing to me the restaurants where they had eaten, the fancy hotels where they had stayed and how much fun they were having with it all.

A big part of me was happy for them and loved hearing the excitement in their voices; yet a small part of me was growing increasingly uncomfortable at the thought of them coming home and of all of us packing our car to embark on what I knew would be a much smaller budget vacation. I feared that the contrast would be too sharp, that they would feel deprived and that I, in turn would feel pressured and resentful.

None of it sounded good to me and that is why, two nights before they came home, I made the decision to cancel our trip. I thought that it would be better to disappoint them once than to open myself up to a long string of small but constant struggles.

That night, I went to bed feeling saddened but resigned. We would make small day trips to local places and that was that.

When I woke up the next morning, I immediately felt a vague sense of unease and could not pinpoint it's source until I remembered my decision of the night before. Somehow, I could see how I had arrived at that choice and yet, after a night's sleep, the energy around it felt different to me. My passivity and resignation had turned into a more assertive stance and I could tell something different was about to take place.

It was.

Within a few minutes, this new assertiveness was slightly tinged with a healthy dose of defiance as I could hear myself thinking loudly "I’ll be darn if I let someone else, even unintentionally, define MY vacation! No way!". I knew that was I not to pay attention to this opportunity, I could be embarking on a downward pattern, one that would make a big difference in the way I chose to live my life with my kids.

So.

The vacation was back on but I still did not want to subject myself to feeling like my kids were traveling with Mrs. Scrooge, following a carefree jaunt with Santa.

As is often the case when I need to come up with a creative solution, I tried to pretend that the subject at hand was one of my clients'. This little trick has helped me many times and I use it freely…

It did not fail me. Before long, I had a plan and was ready to implement it. It kinda made me giggle inside.

A quick trip to the bank provided me with a blank checkbook register, which I promptly plopped into a ziploc bag with a pencil and a calculator.

When the kids got home, I proposed 'The Plan' to them (are you ready?):

For this week long vacation, THEY would be in a charge of the money. All of it. I told them that we had a full tank of gas and gave them an idea of how many more tanks we would need. I also told them that we had a cooler full of food and two nights of camping paid for. I then announced what our budget was (I think it felt like two million dollars to them - ah!) and showed them how to balance a checkbook.

Voila.

They were SO excited. I was too, actually. And so we went.

It was the most fun I have ever had on a vacation with my kids. For the whole trip, I was never once asked if we could buy this or that. I completely let them go with it and watched in awe as they solemnly decided that 'one scoop of ice cream would be best today so that we could have another cone tomorrow'; They recorded every penny as they spent it and looked HUGE to me as they played with their budget. They told me several times how they loved it. It was a blast!

For me, it was an amazing feeling to 'let go'. I had switched role and not being in charge of the money threw me for a loop. It was so different and somewhat exhilarating. When I found myself checking with my 8 year old about the possibility of buying a pair of $5.00 flip flops (this request was granted to me) I really got how 'different' this all was. And how much stretching letting go of control involved; and how big the rewards were on the other side. It is so easy for us to get caught up in roles and to start identifying with them. What a kick it is to challenge ourselves to a new way!

And guess what? On our trip home, they worriedly told me that we had gone … $3.00 … over budget!!! I tried so hard not to smile as I reassured them that we would be okay.

WOW.

A few months later, I am still digesting the blessings from this experience. Yes, they learned to happily balance a checkbook and keep a budget (something I feel should definitely be taught in school). Yes, they were surprised at how much things cost and how fast one can spend two million dollars on a camping trip. This is all fantastic learning and I am so thankful for it. Yet for me, the biggest lesson comes in having morphed a potentially defeating situation into a very empowering one. Some creativity, a good dose of defiance and a sprinkling of playfulness did the trick. I just love it.

Where in your life are you letting someone else set the par? And are you now ready to invent a new one? One that resonates with YOU (even if it is a little weird). I just know you can do it, and if you need a little help … I'm your woman!