I recently got this email from Laura Lavigne, a 'personal coach' whom I have worked with in the past. I thought it was really sweet … as well as wise.

She is originally from France but has lived in the United States for many years.

Here's her email.

~~~

My daughter Tanissa desperately wanted to go to France. Nothing too odd, so far. She was almost 14, really fed up with living the same life in the same little town, surrounded by the same people she knew in kindergarten and I could feel her about to burst at the seams. There was definitely an extra touch of drama to the expression of her urge but, underneath it all, I knew she needed to go.

Within a few days, she and I made a plan and a few weeks later, with the help of many people and the blessing of many doors opening one after the next, she was on the plane!

Now, this is a kid whom, despite all her talk of world traveling, had never taken a bus across town on her own; while she exuded much calm confidence as she kissed me goodbye at the airport and told me not to worry … I got a hard glance at the notion of letting go and Trusting. A good chunk of that came from the fact that somewhere inside of me, I sensed that, while she would most likely be fine and would be back within 6 weeks …. she would never be back all the way. Because she and I are so similar, I was fairly sure that she was going to find herself another 'home' over there and that it would be a matter of time before she wanted to return for good. I also know firsthand what having your heart live in two countries feels like: it is always rich and often painfully bittersweet.

So there she went, way up in the sky and across the big pond. She was going to stay with my sister, in Paris on the weekends and in the same boarding school I attended 25 years ago, during the week.

She called as soon as she landed and just about every day from then on. Each and every call confirmed my intuition as she sounded more calm, happy and plain 'well' than she had for a long, long time. When she explained to me what it was that she loved so much, I understood that she was not enamored with the touristy side of France, but rather with the essence of what it is like to live over there. She belonged.

The following weeks did nothing to change that and it was no surprise to me when, during one of our telephone conversations, she asked me if she could stay.

By that time, I had grown much more comfortable and at peace with the whole thing. Something had shifted within my mothering core and I had reached yet a new way of loving my daughter.

BUT she could not stay. Not yet. I told her so and eventually she let go of trying to convince me. Of course, I knew better than to think this was the end of that topic. After all, she IS my daughter.

A few calls later, she tackled a new angle: why couldn't we - her brothers, her dad, myself as well as both of our significant others - move to France? There again, it took quite a few minutes of transatlantic talk to lay the subject to rest and I would be lying if I said that some of her arguments did not cause me to briefly consider it. Good little strategist that she is, she retreated and I braced my self for the next front.

IT NEVER CAME.

Nope. I waited and it never came. The weeks passed and she still sounded hugely happy, very peaceful and content and yet, no words of anyone moving anywhere.

Hmmm.

I grew increasingly curious - and a bit nervous, too - until finally, I broke down and asked her if she had given up on the idea of living in France. What she said next filled my heart and mind like a balloon on helium:

She calmly said: "No, I have not changed my mind but I have decided that as of now, I DO live in France. This is my home. I will just be coming to the US in a couple of weeks and study for the next few years before I return".

No angst, no pity-part, no blaming, no trying to control anyone else and of course, no giving up. She had brilliantly decided to give her situation a different name, one that made her feel satisfied and which worked with her overall goal; one that made her feel in control of her life and yet not cause her to fight against that which she temporarily could not change.

Seems pretty simple and darn powerful to me.

How many times do we spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to change people and / or circumstances when we could, instead, entertain a different choice of perception? What, in YOUR life, do you wish was different and what other ways of looking at it could you 'play' with? We give so much power to words, names and labels, why not make them work FOR us?

For instance, what if, for a few days, you were to think of your boss as your 'client'? Really, there is not that much difference. And what if you decided, that, just for this weekend, your teenage son was 'your guest'? You get the idea…

Well, here’s to creative thinking, playful name-switching and enlightened fourteen year olds!

PS: she is back here now, a subtly grown up version of my little girl. She speaks quite a bit of French and has a sweet air of 'bigness' about her. Oh and yeah … she is also working on a scholarship to go spend 10th grade in France! (It is quite an experience having given birth to yourself!)

Copyright 2006, Laura Lavigne. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission. Laura is a personal coach and can be contacted through her website: Treehouse Coaching.

Posted by Gregg.

Treehouse Coaching